Thoughts

It is 2:47 am. That should be enough to tell you I am up in the middle of the night going crazy. I am exhausted and yet can't sleep. It has been a long time since I have written down my feelings. My blog has been mostly short updates of the exciting things that have been going on in our lives lately. But let's be real. There are plenty of hard times to balance out the fun! I want to be careful and not make this a pity party, depressing or wo is me post. I have so much to be grateful for. But when I look back and more importantly my kids read this some day I don't want them to think our life was all perfect. They will have ups and downs in their adult life and I want them to know it will all work out! David has left for the third time in 6 months to the Philippines. The last time he left he was adamant that I was coming with him next time. No if ands or buts about it! Well, here I am in bed alone and David is on the other side of the world in a different time zone in the Philippines. I guess I should be used to it though. I am pretty sure the many times he went to Hawaii while working for Granite Mill he said the same thing. And I am still waiting. But if I have to be honest about it, I get very apprehensive, nervous and go almost into a depressed mode thinking about going! It is the weirdest thing. Maybe if my kids came I would feel better about it. It is like they are my security blanket. David's Greenwire company sold to Active Care in November. To say the stress level is high is an understatement for David. The new company bought out the investors and kept David and his partner Andy. They have a 2 year employment agreement in place for him. Hopefully it turns into longer than that but we will see what happens. This is the hardest trip over to the Philippines David has had to go on. He let over 50 employees know that they would be laid off. The company is trying to cut costs and they think this will help. David was just sickened by it. He not only has grown close to the employees but has felt like that is his "baby" that he had a major part in creating. He has spent countless hours every night after work building that over there over the phone. It has been hard for him the last couple of weeks. I am still, constantly, trying to find balance. My days feel so cut up right now. I am hoping that with no kindergarten next year that will help. I am feeling like I am failing at my goals I wanted to accomplish. I have not done family history work and seriously feel like I don't even know where to start. I tried for a month to get going on it a few times. That is still a big work in progress! I just found a friend through Facebook today who used to be in our ward when we lived in our house at BYU. They were married the same year as us and our first 3 kids are the same ages. It is also hard no to compare. Their family looks amazing from the outside looking in! I should know better though. I know I should not do that. But it does make me reflect and think. And I don't think that is bad. In my patriartical blessing it says to "not weary of doing good." I feel weary! I don't want to do family scripture reading when David is gone even though I know it makes the home more peaceful and the kids fight less. My ambition of keeping an orderly house has almost all but gone out the window. I am tired of telling and asking and begging for my house to be clean! It is exhausting! Actually my ambition to do a lot of things has gone out the window! Maybe this is what my midlife crisis feels like! That is scary! I do know I could do one thing all day and that is exercise! Ha! That doesn't get me very far in the eternal perspective of this whole thing! But like I said earlier, I am so grateful! Grateful for David. Even with the stressful times it has been the last few months we are solid together. I am grateful for loving and forgiving children. Sometimes I wonder "what have I created!" but there are more times I think "wow, they are so good." I am constantly learning from each of them and I want to be more like them in so many ways! This is all a part of life of learning and growing. I just wish I was doing a better job at it most days!